I feel like i’m losing my mind. Am I so selfless? Do I not love myself? Am I doing the right thing? Am not sure !
I know that you should never leave a partner that is struggling. I also know that you should stick with people for better or worse,  as it says in the vows. I do that all the time to people around me, without even a second thought or a second guess. But now it’s starting to feel like I will always be under someone’s shadow. Am always caring and supporting others that I forget about myself. What about my wants? What about my needs? What about my future and career?

I am drowning deep down. I can feel it. I keep on hoping and hoping but nothing is happening. It’s like my life is on hold waiting for my partner’s life to take off. It’s been 2 years already. I quit my job and even quit my life just to support him as he was going through a rough patch with a promise that it’s just for a short while but now it’s dragging.

I can feel it, you know. I can feel the regrets that will come after me afew years from now. I can hear the whispers in my ears reminding me of the failures that I am slowly allowing to creep in my life. Am scared. What should I do? Oh wait! I know the answer but I am not consistent, I procrastinate a lot and of course I put my needs last and those of my partner’s first.

Did I forget to mention that I was the same person in my previous relationship? Am not lucky with this love thing. Maybe it’s because I forget about myself and focus on the people that I am in love with. My experience in my previous relationship was that I fell in love, let go of the chance to relocate to a better country. I hosted that ex partner, paid for all of his bills and supported him till he had a career. Why did we break up? Don’t laugh at this please. Cause you will also start doubting my life choices.

I stayed through his cheating, his narcissistic era, the embarrassment and emotional torture. My final straw and the real reason that made me leave is the fact that after him having a career and job, he  refused to support me or chip in on our expenses or rent, he had a plan to build and save then afterwards start supporting me.  Hold on a minute sir!! You mean that I am the one who doesn’t want to grow and save? That I should still cover our bills while you build your empire ?? That was the last straw, I packed his bags and threw him out. I should have handled it better but I was angry. Not a valid excuse I know.

But here I am again. This time I am not working. I stay home, do all the chores and home office work for him. I depend on the promises and hopes that am fed. Do you want to know the twist in all these? He is married, with a wife and kids. He claims that they are separated but I see how he talks to her everyday. I can tell that they are not separated but just in a long distance relationship. She doesn’t know about me but I know everything about her. I scroll on her internet and like as if am studying her. Am not allowed to question the situation, but I know that it will not end well. It hurts to know that I am the other woman.

Here’s the question again? Why am I not doing anything for myself? Why am I so selfless ? Why am I always putting other people’s needs ahead of mine? What should I do ?
One thing am sure of is, this time around when I get out of this relationship, I am not jumping into another one. I will take the time to heal, grow myself, establish a career, build friendships and have a stable relationship with my family. Then and only then, I can think of love again. As I believe that love and relationships are the end of me and prosperity.

Having kids in my late 30s doesn’t sound that bad anyway!